i'm not interested in growth potential i just need to finance my hobbies

Occasionally while answering the phones at a job I have been fortunate enough to speak with telemarketers and crank callers. This type of call at least breaks up the monotony of the day - and they actually want to speak with ME.

On one recent such occasion, the woman on the line informed me that she was from one of the magazine conglomerates, and that they were phoning people at their businesses to offer them personal subscriptions to a number of magazines. The pitch mentioned something about MacLame's for 46 months, Chattel-Lane for 32 months, and so on. The lucky dupe is then supposed to pass the magazines on to his or her family and friends. This plot is allegedly the best marketing money can buy, according to Pitch Woman. I admit I didn't catch the speech in its entirety as I was trying to figure out if this "offer" was "actually" free, free at the start to hook you into a subscription, or a standard scam.

Whilst my poor brain was busy calculating, Pitch Woman was trying to fit me into her demographics chart.

"So what are your hobbies, Nikki?"

I hate the word hobbies. Hobbies are for 92 year old granpas who spend their time fitting miniature ships into bottles, or, like my recently expired step-granpa, reading Louis L'amour novels in overstuffed armchairs with glasses of rye in one hand and four lit cigarettes in the other. The stuff I do in my spare time is the stuff I actually give a shit about, and just because I am not currently making a living as a writer doesn't mean I can't call myself one. Everything else is just a way to pay the rent.

My hobbies; “Um, art and literature.”

“Okay,” pause, “We don’t have any magazines for that, what else are you into?”

“Well, culture, current affairs…..”

“Okay, well that would cover the MacLame’s, are you familiar with MacLame’?”

Shoddy excuse for journalism...“Yeah….”

“Anything else, what are your other interests?”

What does she want me to say? Sports? Shopping? Should I tell her that my favourite magazine is the feminist pop culture critique _Bitch_?

“That pretty much covers it…”

Pitch Woman stifles a laugh. What kind of loser is she talking to?

“Well, do you have a significant other?”

At last, a definitive answer.

“Yes.”

“And what is he into?”

Though the S.O. is in fact a “He,” I wish I had been paying enough attention at this point to call Pitch Woman on her heterosexist assumption or mess with her head a little. I was too busy trying to think of a proper response to what my Other is “into.” Vulgarity, lewd behaviour, performance poetics? Terrorizing the cat with the saxophone?

“He’s into music……….” Miles Davis, Ornette Coleman, free jazz……

“Okay well we have our Audio and Visual magazine which highlights the latest in sound technology.”

At this point I am trying to picture the Other using an Audio and Visual magazine for anything other than toilet paper.

“To be honest with you, we’re not really into mainstream culture.”

“Yes, I’m sensing that.”

At that Pitch Woman hung up, rather haughtily I thought, leaving me thinking about mainstream culture and its adjuncts, to the tune of five or six other lines ringing.