cowpoke or burst

i am going to Calgary in three days and am feeling v. ambivalent about it.

perhaps that is why i am blogging at 12:30 at night even tho i have to be up at 6 for work.

v. excited to hook up with my little Janny who i love nearly to death.

wondering how i let myself become this isolated from other human beings. the last year that i lived in calgary i hardly ever left the house and slowly let any friendships i still had there slip away. partly the enveloping of a new relationship but mostly the symptoms of the depression i have been fighting most of my life. the isolation becomes a vicious circle because the fewer connections one has with other human beings, the easier it is to believe the (lie) that everyone must hate you.

so a return to cowpoke forces me to take stock of my life and where it's gone since i left my hometown a year and a half ago.

i have a career, not the one i would have chosen for myself, but a decent job nontheless with good wages and benefits. the job is stressful yet challenging and makes me feel competent. as in, i am good at this thing even tho i have had only failure at the writing thing.

i have a partner whom i love and who is my best friend. i have a cat who follows me around the house. i have enough (too much!) to eat and clothes on my back.

and yet.

my time away from school and the amount of time i spend at work have depleted my vocabulary down to perhaps a grade eight reading level. i may be getting dumber by the day. there are people i want to spend time with in calgary but i have nothing to say for myself and nothing to show for myself since moving out to vancouver. so i'm, embarrassed i guess, and ashamed.