condohype!

just read about this blog (on Sachi M.'s blog).



spent the next half hour in giddy delight at condohype's well-crafted, well-aimed snark. condohype says everything you think when you see those ridiculous condo ads in the Georgia Straight, with an insider's perspective. delicious.

wish i'd come across this post when i was accosted by a banking professional at my back last month. i was just transferring over an old RRSP, but Ms. Moneybags had to give me the Why Aren't You Saving for a Downpayment Lecture? sent me into High Anxiety for weeks.

here's a poem, written partly in response:

hello! have you used Pears soap today?
what pulchritudinous hell is this?
hello! what kind of painfully self-aware asshole will you be today?

pick one:
a) chin cupping
b) as awkward as grade 7.
the smartest girl in grade 5.
fill yer boots. saving up for chin implants.
we, too could make a $15,000 downpayment on a 452 square foot condo downtown we’re young so heaven knows we won’t need to be home anyway outside’s free crammed tight with husband cat saxophone full-priced designer clothes for which we feel appropriately guilty books n’ books by the Old Masters carted from basement suite to basement suite but never cracked this pedestrian language won’t get us a 3-book contract anyways we’re just paying somebody else’s mortgage think how good we’ll feel to be in our own place those prices will always go up and the figures don’t matter once we’re in the market
c) so what?
d) so we met with the professor and we listed all the people in the class whom we thought would still be writing in ten years. what? no, you weren’t on the list. well, we think you’ll be doing more important things
e) ergo, you won’t still be writing by 2011. publish or perish. by which we mean, still trying to write your way out of your own self-hatred. but there’s no rhetoric there, no sense of formal strategy.
f) we held his soft body in that room for almost half an hour. still warm but void of life. the vet said after you leave i’ll give one more shot to stop his heart. a spot of blood, and yellow fluid where the needle had gone. his fur wet with our tears.
g) don’t you think it’s time to start exercising?

in conclusion, i urge you to visit condohype immediately.